Friday, December 16, 2016

Everybody Lost

The thing that defined 2016 for me, the loss of my job which led to life-changing decisions, has officially become a zero sum game.

The woman who called me into her tiny broom closet of an office and fired me... has now been terminated.

Her dry erase boards filled with lists of goals, plans and commandments for the department are now meaningless.

Everybody loses. Her. And me.

I did not realize how much this bit of gossip would affect me, but after hearing the news yesterday, I sort of spiraled down a rabbit hole of smugness, anger, pity and frustration.

This feels like a waste.

Even though I know I came out a winner from that personal defeat, and would not trade today for yesterday, I can't help but feel like the entire ordeal was unnecessarily victimizing.

My brain is yelling, "Why did a woman who barely made it a year-and-a-half with the company get to fire a thirteen year veteran with a track record of success and promotion?"

It is a jagged, bitter pill. I have not uttered those words since I was terminated back in January because I didn't want them to consume me. I wanted to move forward. Turns out, I was clinging to that battle cry in my head for a long time.

Now, as I try to pull myself out of that self righteous place, I'm remembering how it felt to have the bench kicked out from under me.

I don't know the circumstances surrounding her forced departure. I don't know if she was in a position to see some sort of writing on the wall. I have no idea if she was prepared to be axed, and I don't know what she will do now.

I hope she was not as blindsided by her fate as I was by mine.

Today, after chewing on my feelings for about 24 hours, I almost feel a sense of closure to a story I didn't realize I was still writing.

Though I imagine I have not crossed her mind in a long time, hers is still the face I see when I think of how I stumbled out of my comfort zone and into a life of new possibilities.

I'm taught a lesson about how we have a lasting effect on those around us through our words and actions.

Today I have many things to be thankful for:  a good job, a city I love, life closer to family, a home filled with old friends and new. I think I'm done counting the cost.

And no matter how I feel about our brief professional successes and failures, I hope her tally sheet is also teeming with blessings when she adds it all up.

Good luck to her.